When is infidelity acceptable

The rethink on infidelity lies within a broader societal discussion about monogamy, a debate becoming more frequent and more critical.

As we live longer, stay married longer and come to expect more out of our partners, there's been a growing call for more realism around unwavering, lifelong commitment. Research psychologist Christopher Ryan, co-author of the controversial book Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality , has pointed out that monogamous marriage doesn't exactly come naturally to humans, or their primate ancestors.

Arguing that sexual jealousy is socialized into us in North America, Ryan tracked several Amazonian tribes in which men very willingly share their wives. He noticed that the French and Spaniards find our attitudes here very immature. And certainly among many gay men, sexual exclusivity does not define how you show someone that you love them.

Which is all to say, could monogamy eventually go the way of premarital sex as a cultural value? The stats are bracing: Some 63 per cent of men and 45 per cent of women reported having been unfaithful at least once, according to an international study published in While Canada has no history of documenting national trends in relationship behaviour, it can be illuminating to peer in on divorce trends, since infidelity often dissolves marriages.

More than 40 per cent of marriages are expected to end in divorce before the 30th anniversary, Statistics Canada reported in , the last year the agency collected numbers on divorce. Factor in the crippling hack of cheaters' hookup website Ashley Madison last July — which saw the names, street addresses and sexual desires of 37 million user accounts leaked to the world — and it's clear that, despite societal censure, infidelity is completely pervasive.

We're drawn to people who are pretty in some way, who are appealing. Our brain lights up, our pupils dilate — everything. Brains gone haywire over pretty things: Research is finding that's the somewhat basic cause of most affairs.

Most people don't cheat because of some dark defect in personality, O'Sullivan wrote in a study to be published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality. They don't even necessarily stray because they are unhappy in their relationships as Perel has warned repeatedly, "Happy people cheat". It's situational and has to do with opportunity, O'Sullivan explains. Meaning that just about anyone is vulnerable to cheating, not just your sociopathic ex.

At O'Sullivan's sunny Fredericton office, meticulously organized and scented with a freesia essential oil, a whiteboard divulges the provocative studies under way this past January: Topics include mate poaching, kissing, breakups and the inevitable pain that follows.

Strikingly frank when she talks about sex, O'Sullivan loves stereotype-busting findings that betray our inconsistency. Her big question is why, if monogamy is so near-universally endorsed, is infidelity so common? What she's discovered is that we're getting more and more unrealistic in our expectations of fidelity.

The definition of "cheating" now goes well beyond sex to a whole array of threats that undermine people's faith in their relationships, O'Sullivan and her doctoral student Ashley Thompson wrote in a Journal of Sex Research article titled Drawing the Line.

Emotional attraction to a work spouse, a partner masturbating solo to the porn stash he's bookmarked online, texts another partner occasionally sends her ex when she's drunk: These things all proved to be "ripples" in the love lives of study respondents. Even seemingly benign behaviours riled them up. Respondents got insecure when their partners "liked" their exes' posts or got tagged in their photos on Facebook. Some were even threatened by a partner's celebrity crushes.

What her findings have uncovered is that infidelity isn't just about sex, but about something far more privately needy. It's that all encompassing idea of, 'It's you and only you, baby. It sounds irrational but deep down, that's what we expect. Of course few people really like to clarify these concepts. Indeed, we are notorious in the West for our unease in discussing wants, needs and expectations with partners and spouses. But also we're startlingly hypocritical about it all.

People set draconian standards for their partners while conveniently letting themselves off the hook, O'Sullivan and Thompson write in a new paper titled I Can but You Can't, slated to appear in a forthcoming issue of the Journal of Relationships Research. Especially when it came to grey areas such as having lunch, studying late, doing favours, providing emotional support or sharing secrets or gifts with someone outside of a relationship, the study respondents grew wary of their partners while justifying their own dicey behaviour.

Both women and men were equally self-righteous. Mike Pence refuses to dine alone with women other than his wife. For the US vice president it is a mark of respect for his wife, Karen, and a rule guided by his strong religious convictions.

Some commentators have hailed it the solution for men unable to control themselves, others call it patronising, sexist and insulting. It is not an entirely rare attitude, however: in one study, around 5. Most people rarely have good definitions of exactly what it means to be unfaithful, and vastly underestimate how likely it is that some kind of betrayal will occur despite being unfaithful themselves.

Working out how many people have ever been unfaithful is challenging, not least because researchers are reliant on the honest confessions of cheaters. As a result, estimates of infidelity can vary wildly and are often affected by how data are collected. Alternatively, when you are in a relationship it might be helpful to have faith in your partner because it would be unhealthy to monitor their behaviour all the time.

Here lies one of the issues; cheating means different things to different people. Researchers might pre-define what cheating constitutes to them, but everyone has a different interpretation, so interviewees might not agree with them. For around one in 20 heterosexual people, simply buying a meal for someone of the opposite sex is considered to be a betrayal Credit: Getty images.

We assume wrongly that what I consider unfaithful you would too. It also admits that maybe this could happen. Does downloading a dating app count, for example? Presumably, meeting up with people you met on Tinder does. Unsurprisingly, Tinder users who are already in relationships are more likely to have casual sex.

The people responding to the question about whether they thought their partner had ever been unfaithful were free to interpret infidelity in any way they chose.

For some people, cheating might only include sex, but for others, flirting with someone might count. Defining emotional infidelity is particularly difficult. One place where emotional transgressions might occur is in the workplace where overlapping professional and personal interests result in close relationships.

Plausibly this would allow for opportunities to transgress from innocuous friendships to something more intimate. In one study, researchers interviewed women about their attitudes towards workplace relationships. Neither is what the other wants. Communication and a compromise is needed.

He deeply loves her and their family and is happy and content with all other areas of their marriage and partnership. It's a healthy sex life that's missing. He's tried to communicate this to her but she is not interested, so he books escorts. Should he leave and break up the family? Guy number 4, his wife has MS and is confined to a wheel chair, who can't accommodate her husbands needs, so she asks him to book an escort.

Is it wrong if it's consented infidelity? Guy number 5 married years back when no sex before marriage was the norm. Once married found he was with a woman that only saw sex as a necessity for procreation and not enjoyment? Should he accept a life of no sex after the children are born? These are only a very small selection of personal situations, some of which are more common than others. On reflection has anyone has changed their perception from a black and white view to consider one or more of these greys?

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